Most of the time, I feel OK, even positive and hopeful, about the future now that I’m about to be single (technically, we’re not broken up till we move out at the end of the month, which yes, is a little weird). But sometimes, I unexpectedly get this feeling in my stomach–kind of like butterflies, but the opposite meaning. It’s an anxiety, a twinge, a heavy emptiness, a panic, and it correlates to feelings of fear and impending loneliness. I don’t know which comes first, but it all happens at the same time.
I know I’ll be fine, I know there are other people out there that are as great–if not BETTER–than K. But when I experience these short moments of feeling like a deer in the headlights or a squirrel in front of an oncoming car, I briefly imagine it as an impossibility, of always feeling adrift and unable to make a genuine connection again. Not that I don’t have these kinds of connections with friends and family, but they’re really only pieces of a connection, never a complete committal. I want to have someone all to myself, have someone that chose ME over anyone else out there.
I think the unknown is what gets me. How long will it be until I meet the next person? Will this next one stick? How many mediocre dates will I have to go on? Will I see K out with other girls before I’ve found someone? I think I’m most afraid of him finding someone before I do, finding out that it was ME, not him. I don’t want him to be Joe in When Harry Met Sally, even if I ended up like Sally in the end of the movie.